Thank you all for the suggestions!
@cornholio: I did try with both smb and nfs shares, and the problem of refreshing is the same. Changes made on the machine are relfected on the server and other computers on the network instantly, but the reverse isn't. Even the folder up buttons don't work in the GUI, both on the debian file explorer and the Probebasic file explorer. (i think it tries to go up a directory on the server, which it isn't allowed to do). Pressing F5 works in the debian file explorer.
@mecanix: I have tried many modification to smb.conf, including the ones you suggest. Except, I never tried to have it set as a public folder like you do. I have rwe permissions on everyone except guests who don't have access. I was mounting the share using credentials. Again, I could see and upload files to it so i think permissions are working, It just wouldn't update automatically, just making the day to day workflow pretty tidious. Either a debian bug or lack of feature, or an issue with cache settings, or CIFS notification protocol.
The refreshing issue is identical on the second test device RPi5, running rpios. So I don't think it has anything to do with the linuxcnc real time kernel.
Eventually, I ended up doing an overkill set up, which is now avoiding the problem: I let the folder as an SMB share on the server (so i can access it from the multiple devices I use (the PC being the main one) and installed SYNCTHING in a docker container on the server as well as on the CNC computer. It does watch both folders for changes and updates them accordingly. It is making local copies on both devices, which not only allows the folders to be updated instantly and automatically in both the debian and Probe basic file explorers, but let's me load the gcode from the machine's storage and not through the network, which is a plus. Also, if one of the devices is offline, the changes are just queued and nothing hangs like windows was if the smb folder was mounted but the device disconnected (which sometimes it was doing, freezing the file explorer for several minutes before giving up on the share and marking it "disconnected", aaaah windows).
Anyways, thanks a lot, I wish i had an actual fix to document here for future users, but I only have this overkill workaround.